Thunderbolt Moment

I am currently away from my home on a course, down in Surrey - I have a space to myself and only myself to take care of - experts like Dan Sullivan and Dr Ben Hardy in their book 10x is easier than 2x, that I'm listening to as the moment, state that you do your greatest creative thinking when you are out of your normal environment and WOW were they right!

As a hypermobile person and a person with a fractured childhood - 8 moves in my first 11 years, before I went to boarding school, I realised now thatIi have either been in pursuit of someone or some place to make me feel stable and secure - and most of the time it has had to be me that brings stability and safety to other people - as a mum as a wife and as a chiropractor. I think the only person who ever made me feel really safe is my Dad - so I always believed that my home was were my parents were - even though I'm a grown arsed woman and I have a lovely home with my amazing husband ( who is really just like me a big kid doing adulting jobs), and my amazing son - but I am always the stability for others. 

Coming away on this trip a new course that is set to revolutionise my mind/body connection, I came across a new meditation master on spotify The Zen Mind - with Jo leading some lovely and insightful meditations- i studied her instagram - full stalking mode and I'm really taken by her sage wisdom for such a young human. When I was listening to one of her meidtations she said the words 'come to rest in your body, your home'. It was like a thunderbolt realiseasation in a split second I understood that the stability and safety I have always been searching for was within, that my body is my home , its my sancutary, its my safety its my security, without my body I am nothing. I went for a walk, after about 5 mins as I turned this concept over and over in my head I just started crying, just a trickle to start just a little and then when I found a bench I sat and quietly sobbed - the beauty of this realisation that throughout my life I thought I was on my own, I thought I had to make people like me to feel part of their community, I thought I had to fit in to other peoples expectation of me and that my own expectation of who should be be, it all fell away - the dawning realisation that the only place I needed in this world was to feel at home in my body - that all of this time, all these many years the solution to my loneliness was here all the time - My Body IS my Home.  I have been safe and secure this whole time - I'v ejust been looking externally for it instead of internally - even though I have meditated for years - created practices around calmness and happiness but until this moment I realised I still never felt safe - and now i do. 

I write this with tears in my eyes and a sense of whole hearted happiness it will take me a long time to really lean into this concept but I am now home, I am now safe adn i now trust the one person i should have always trusted ME.